Thursday, February 4, 2016


 How  do you even do that? 

I have only been in one serious committed relationship all my life. We've been together briefly since I was 16 years old. Separated our ways and got back together when we were young adults... I was 23 years old. Although our relationship was on & off, there's always a constant communication. Not a month or two goes by that we don't talk to each other. He has been my go-to about all of my problems, may it be family, friends or career. He was also my bestfriend, although I dont tell him that. So when it didn't work out again when we were 23, I was shattered. I thought we could work things out now since we're adults. Boy was I wrong :(

We haven't talked much after that, it wasn't what I was accustomed to (because we always had this communication even before). Never had any proper closure in person. I myself was not strong enough to face him and let go of the love we once shared, I assume he'd do the same.

Upon knowing he has someone new less than a year after we broke up, my whole world collapsed. From 16 to 23 y.o., we never had any other gf/bf, (He was my first real love, but I know he had been in several relationships before).. so it took me by surprise to see that he had someone new. 

I felt like dying. The pain was unbearable & crashing. I had questions I needed answers. I said to myself, "I tried to save the relationship, I did my best.. but why wasn't it enough?" :( I was going crazy because of so much pain. Whenever I pray, I ask God if I should let go or stay. Upon seeing my ex on a picture with someone new, I finally realized God said "No, let go". I am completely at lost and disoriented. I was not ready for this. 

I was painstakingly down, but then my friends consoled me. My bestfriend at work gave me this bible verse to read (1 Peter 5:10) which says "But after you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who calls you to share his eternal glory In union with Christ, will himself protect you and give you firmness, strength and a sure foundation". 
---I realized God did this to make me a stronger and a better person.

I was also surprised when I decided to read this favorite mini book of mine (true stories from people of different walks of life) which is called "Young Women on the Journey" and stumbled upon pg. 104 as I opened it. It also says (1 Peter 5:5) -"All of you clothe yourselves with humility toward on another, because God opposed the proud and gives grace to the humble." (continuation 5:7) Humble yourselves, then, under God's mighty hand, so that he will lift you up in his own good time. Leave all your worries to him, because he cares for you." 
---God spoke to me  and told me that humbling myself before them (all the people involved in my past relationship not working out) was really difficult, but God enabled me to swallow my pride. It was an admission of defeat and failure, but it didn't matter because it was a fruitful failure.(-Kristina Sy) I learned to accept and be more understanding of everything that happened even if I do not know all the answers. 

I also remember my favorite Pastor, Pastor Peter Tanchi at Church saying, that maybe, romantic relationship don't work out because God is telling you "you're not yet ready, you still have to grow". (btw I am a Catholic but I love going to Christian Church, faith is not about religion after all, its about your relationship with God).

A bestfriend of mine, Sam, also reminded me about our favorite movie line in One More Chance that says “Baka kaya tayo iniiwan ng mga taong mahal naten, kase baka merong bagong darating na mas OK, na mas mamahalin tayo, yung taong hindi tayo sasaktan at paaasahin, yung nagiisang taong magtatama ng mali sa buhay naten, nang lahat ng mali sa buhay mo". 
 ---Gasgas man ang linyang ito, my katotohanan naman sya di ba?

Lastly I stumbled on this quote while looking for something to make me feel a bit better. 

---From this quote, I now become fully aware  that sometimes, things are out of my control. I cannot change them. I cannot bend them to my will. But I am constantly thankful for my true friends, co workers and even strangers who keep on reminding me.. "To stay strong. To keep on moving for things will get better. It may be stromy now, but it never rains forever; That I have the power to rise above whatever is currently bringing me down. That it's okay to fall and breakdown, cry your eyes out if you may. Just dont forget to stand up again and keep going. " 

The pain may be unbearable & shattering now, but I know I'll get through this.

I know my soul will heal, it will just take innumerable amount of time.

To everyone who are experiencing deep turmoil like me.. Keep breathing, it will pass.. maybe not immediately but sometime soon. Life is rough, it's tough.. but we have to get back up. Hard as it may be. 

I am grateful for all the love that showered upon me from this experience. Despite my losses, I know I am still blessed. It will be a long road to recovery and healing, we may even get tired but rest assured that God will never fail to give us the desires of our heart. A bad experience/failed relationship is always a lesson to help us grow into a better individual.

So in the end, how do you let go of your first real love? I guess, you just have to accept it day by day no matter how hard it may be. Forgive and do not hold grudges. I still cry, it honestly helps. You are not alone. Cry your heart out... bawl your eyes out if you have to. They say, pain takes time to go away. So take all the time you would ever need. Do not look back. Keep your head up. STAY STRONG.

It's easier said than done, but we have to face reality eventually. Keep yourself busy. Always choose happiness. Work hard and pursue your life long dream instead. 

At the end of the day, all you have is yourself,so strive to become the best version of yourself. Eventually the right person will see your worth.

I am not closing my doors for anyone, for someone old or new. But if God is telling me to wait, perhaps to grow and see the value of that which we wait for, then I don't mind waiting.


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